I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
