the condom got lost in my hair
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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