i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
