i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
