well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
