Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
