Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
