i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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