Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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