Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
