were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
