We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All I want is dick and wine.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
