This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
