I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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