I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
