im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
