Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
