fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
