So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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