If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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