Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
