She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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