There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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