I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize