remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
