I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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