Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
