About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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