My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
