Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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