i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
