I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
