The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
