you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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