Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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