i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
