in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize