i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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