So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
