There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize