I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
