i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
