he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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