I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
