Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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