just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
