you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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