i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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