I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
