I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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