I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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