An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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