I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
