I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
