Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
