I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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