can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
