Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
