I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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