took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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