Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
